When Your Brain Smells Like Garbage: My Battle with Stinkin’ Thinkin’ and the Power of Gratitude

Have you ever woken up and just knew the day was about to suck? Like before your feet even hit the floor, sadness has already tucked you back in like, “Good morning, baby girl, I’m your emotional support blanket”?

Or have you ever looked at your to-do list, realized it’s longer than the book of Leviticus, and thought, “Yeah, no. I’ll just emotionally spiral instead”?

Or maybe you’ve been on vacation, in a literal paradise, and still found yourself crying over nothing like, “Oh look, a rainbow… excuse me while I sob into my poke bowl”?

Welcome to my mind. Population: Me and my stinkin’ thinkin’.

I’ve struggled with depression on and off since elementary school. Not the cute kind where you eat ice cream and cry to Adele. I’m talking full-blown emotional warfare—stress, anxiety, sadness, and a mental playlist of “You’re Not Enough” on repeat. My brain is like a bad neighborhood—you don’t want to walk through it alone after dark.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Being in Hawaii should be the ultimate antidepressant. The sun, the ocean, the friendly people who say “aloha” like they actually mean it. But here’s what I realized: the less busy I am, the louder my thoughts get.

The poor-me pity party sneaks in like that one uninvited cousin who brings emotional baggage instead of potato salad. Suddenly, anxiety, shame, and sadness all show up to the luau of my mind, and none of them brought dessert.

At home, I stay as busy as humanly possible to outrun my feelings. From the moment I wake up at 6 a.m. till I crash at 11 p.m., I’ve got a to-do list longer than Moses’ beard. I write it out the night before, like, “Tomorrow I will be a productive goddess.” Then tomorrow comes, and my brain’s like, “Let’s just scroll for three hours and question your life choices.”

Some days I conquer the list. Other days, I’m lucky if I brush my teeth before noon. But even on the bad days, I force myself to speak life—to encourage myself—because if I don’t, who will? Sometimes you’ve got to be your own hype woman. And above all, I lean on the one who gives me real strength—Jesus. If it weren’t for Him, honestly, I might not be here today.

I remember one of my darkest moments vividly. Stephen and I had just moved to San Diego, and life was kicking our butts. Financial struggles, marital tension, and a whole storm of personal issues. That year, depression hit me like a truck. I cried every single day until I was dehydrated. I cried so hard I started getting UTI’s. And if you’ve ever had one of those, you know—it’s not just pain, it’s fiery pee pain. Like my body was saying, “Girl, you’re stressed and now you’re spicy.”

One night, it all came crashing down. I was on the bathroom floor, sobbing, pounding the tile, screaming, “God, I can’t do this anymore!” I didn’t want to live. I was done. But in that moment, something incredible happened. I felt the Holy Spirit wrap around me like the warmest, safest blanket. Instantly, the chaos quieted. The peace that surpasses understanding—the one the Bible talks about—showed up like, “Surprise, girl, I still got you.”

I remember sitting there, drenched in tears, looking up, and saying, “Okay God, I’m gonna fight back.” I decided that night that I wasn’t going to let depression bully me anymore. That I was going to do whatever it took to heal my mind.

It took years. Seven long years, to be exact. Seven years of research, trial and error, therapy, prayer, and a lot of ugly crying. I became obsessed with rewiring my brain. I studied how to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.

The turning point came when I challenged myself to write 100 things I was grateful for every day for 30 days. And they had to be different every single time. No repeats. I wrote ten new things every hour, for ten hours straight.

At first, I thought I’d run out by day three. But by the end of day one, something shifted. I felt… lighter. My brain, which had been covered in clouds, suddenly saw sunlight again. Gratitude literally reprogrammed my mind. I started seeing the good in everything, even in pain. I wasn’t ignoring my problems—I was choosing not to let them define me.

Depression didn’t vanish overnight, but it lost its grip. That practice changed my life. Gratitude became my weapon. When my mind started stinkin’ again, I’d fight back with thanksgiving.

Because here’s the thing—stinkin’ thinkin’ means no faith. And without faith, God can’t move. When you’re stuck in negativity, you block your own blessings. But when you shift into gratitude, you make space for miracles.

I started thanking God for everything. “Thank you for my hot tea. Thank you for the annoying neighbor who bangs on the floor to be quiet. Thank you for the UTI that made me drink more water.” Hey, gratitude doesn’t have to be glamorous—it just has to be real.

And every time I thanked Him, I felt my faith rise. And when faith rises, God moves. He moved in my mindset. He moved in my marriage. He moved in my heart.

Do I still have hard days? Absolutely. Some mornings I wake up and sadness is right there, whispering, “Hey girl, miss me?” But now I know how to fight back. I pick up my gratitude list like it’s spiritual Febreze and start spraying the stench of stinkin’ thinkin’ out of my soul.

It’s not about pretending life is perfect—it’s about finding joy even when it’s not. Gratitude doesn’t deny pain; it transforms it. It tells your brain, “Yes, life is hard, but it’s also holy.”

So if you’re struggling today, if you’re sitting in your own version of that bathroom floor moment—please hear me—you’re not alone. You’re not broken beyond repair. You’re just human. And God still sees you, still loves you, still has a plan for you.

Start small. Write down one thing you’re thankful for. Then two. Then ten. Do it till your heart starts to remember that there is still good in your story.

Because healing doesn’t happen when everything gets easier. It happens when you decide to see beauty in the middle of the mess.

And that, my lovers, is the real power of gratitude. It turns the garbage in your head into fertilizer for growth.

Remember you are my lovers, whether you love me or love to hate me you are still my lover!

Don’t forget Jesus loves you and so do I!