Have you ever thought you were getting something simple and ended up with a full-blown life lesson wrapped in fur and chaos? Ever fallen in love with something (or someone) that looked angelic — until they started biting, chewing, and testing every ounce of your patience and sanity? Or maybe you thought adopting a pet would calm your life… but instead, it turned into a Netflix survival series called “Who Will Break First: Human or Dog?”
If you said yes to any of those, then honey, pull up a chair. Because today, I’m celebrating my dog Tofu’s 4th birthday — and let me tell you, this little fluffy psychopath aged me faster than a pastor in a strip club.
I still remember the day I found him. I was scrolling through Craigslist looking for lab puppies — I wanted a white one because white is my favorite color and, let’s be honest, it hides less sin than black fur on my clothes. Then I saw him. A tiny white puppy in a sea of chaos. I pointed to the screen and said to my husband, “That’s the one.” It was love at first sight.
We met the sellers, picked up that adorable puffball, and named him Tofu. Why Tofu? My assistant and I had this running theme of naming our pets after food, so I was looking for a white food name. It came down to Marshmallow or Tofu. Tofu was shorter — and honestly sounded funnier — so it won.
That cute little puppy? Turned out to be a terrorist in training. Within months, my arms looked like I was in a Fight Club with a piranha. He chewed our couch — twice. He destroyed not one, but several remote controls. He even ate my Prada sunglasses. I was so mad, I almost baptized him in holy water and sent him to obedience school in heaven. But instead, I said, “Fine. I’ll just buy Versace.” Because if life gives you lemons, buy designer.
Then puberty hit — and suddenly, my sweet baby boy turned into the neighborhood fuckboy. He wanted to fight every male dog and hump every female like he was auditioning for The Bachelor: Canine Edition.
At that point, I was losing hair, gaining wrinkles, and developing a stress twitch in my left eye. My husband Stephen looked at me and said, “We need a trainer.” Oh, now we need a trainer? After I’ve been living with Cujo in a fur coat?
We hired not one, but two trainers. We watched Caesar Millan like he was the messiah of misbehaving mutts. For a year and a half, it was constant boot camp. Sit. Stay. Don’t bite. Stop humping. Stop staring at me like you’re plotting my death. I questioned my life choices, my sanity, and whether I was raising a dog or a demon with good cheekbones.
But then… one day… something changed. The chaos turned calm. The biter became the best boy. He listened. He obeyed. He stopped eating household electronics. People started saying, “Wow, your dog is so well-behaved!” And I’d smile sweetly and say, “Thank you.” But inside I was screaming, “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH, KAREN.”
Today, Tofu isn’t just my dog — he’s my co-star. He’s in my YouTube cooking show, stealing hearts (and snacks) on camera. The best part? He knows he’s an actor. One day my videographer came over, unpacking his camera, and before I could say “Action,” Tofu ran to his costume box, grabbed his chicken costume in his mouth, and trotted over like, “Mom, it’s showtime.”
I swear to God, this dog smiled for the camera. Not like, “Oh, I’m happy.” Like, “Get my good side, bitch. I’ve got fans now.” Tofu became my little star — my fur-covered coworker who never complains, never asks for a raise, and only occasionally humps the props.
When I look at Tofu now — four years later — I see more than a pet. I see every lesson I didn’t want to learn but needed to. He taught me patience. Because nothing teaches patience like cleaning up pee while crying and Googling “how to return a dog.” He taught me consistency. Because change doesn’t happen overnight — it happens after 1.5 years of doing the same thing and wondering if you’re the crazy one.
And he taught me love — the unconditional, messy kind that makes you laugh, cry, curse, and keep showing up anyway. Tofu isn’t just a dog. He’s my spiritual teacher in disguise. The kind that drools on your pillow and farts during prayer time, but somehow still teaches you grace.
So today, we celebrate Tofu — the furball who made me laugh, cry, and lose my designer sunglasses. He’s my partner in chaos, my reminder that transformation takes time, and that even the craziest creatures (human or canine) can become something beautiful with patience, love, and a little bit of training.
Tofu, you’re not just a dog. You’re proof that growth is messy, love is loud, and redemption sometimes comes with a wagging tail. Happy 4th Birthday, my little chicken-costume-wearing superstar. You chewed through my couch, my nerves, and my wallet — but you also chewed your way into my heart.
Sometimes the things that drive us the craziest are the very things that grow us the most. Whether it’s a dog, a person, or a dream that feels impossible, don’t give up. Be patient. Be consistent. Because what feels like chaos today might just be the making of something divine tomorrow.
Remember you are my lovers, whether you love me or love to hate me you are still my lover!
Don’t forget Jesus loves you and so do I!