When Stephen, my husband, brought up that I should write a blog, for some reason something jumped inside of me out of excitement — like a Baptist at a Beyoncé concert. I am a horrible storyteller, I am not descriptive, and it takes more time (which I already have a lot on my plate), but then today I had an epiphany of why I was so excited to do it. I was scared to write because let’s be honest — half the time my sentences sound like a drunk GPS recalculating. But when I was younger, I used to journal all the time, and that was the number one way I relieved all my heartaches, pain, sadness, struggles, anxieties, joys, laughters, shame, guilt, anger, depression, hope — and the very thing that allowed me to keep my secrets safe. Therefore I decided I am going to use this blog as my journal to share my secrets, my journey from the good, the bad, the pain, and the joys.
It’s kind of like having sex: sometimes it’s good, bad, ugly, fun, and orgasmic. That is kind of how my life is. One day I’m Hallelujah, the next day I’m Hot Mess Express. And honey, at least it’s never boring.
As I am rediscovering my new season of my life and who I am, many things are coming out — like skeletons in the closet that brought their own ring lights. They say comedy is used for therapy and let me tell you, a lot of my trauma and emotions are being dealt with and coming out in my journey as a comedian. As I slowly try to remember my past pains as my comedy coach tells me to create my jokes from my trauma, I am starting to remember some of my repressed memories.
I have always had a very hard time imagining in my head. I couldn’t understand for the longest time why my imagination was so difficult for me to grasp because I enjoy the art of performance and entertaining — which all need to be rooted from the mind to become an amazing performer. I had a vivid memory come back where I was a child imagining me playing with Barbie’s and having them have conversations, and flying airplanes in the sky and being told to stop imagining. That forced me to learn to live in reality and prevented me from dreaming which caused me to stop believing and having faith in myself.
Without vision people perish, and to have vision you need to start with your mind to create the reality. Growing up and even to this day, I still struggle with believing in myself. I guess I can say when I start to succeed I tend to self-sabotage myself from living the full potential I could. When I started doing well as a swimmer in high school, I noticed I was improving and becoming good then I slouched down so I wouldn’t be that good and lost my motivation to swim. Anytime I saw progress I felt I needed to digress. I even hate being praised for something because I feel I don’t deserve it.
As an adult I am working on it and have slowly been improving in that mindset, but still battle with myself through it, especially as I am learning to succeed in a new avenue as an entertainer in Hollywood. And let me tell you, Hollywood will eat you alive and ask for dessert — so you either show up with your own punchlines or they’ll write one for you.
As I am confronting my past traumas my mentor told me my persona of Christy is actually who I really am. I had always thought she was just a character that I had created. Christy is so fun, outgoing, unapologetic, vocal, very direct, hilarious, confident and filled with life.
The person who I am, Angela, is seen as this quiet, introvert, kind, but always to herself. My mentor explained to me that the person Christy is my subconscious person that I have been suppressing but is truly who I am, the person I desire to be. It was through my pain and trauma that caused me to digress into a person that feels so small but Christy — who is vibrant and shines so big — is who I really am and need to stop hiding.
I was told that healing comes through many ways and one way to confront my healing is to joke about it. So I was challenged that every time I open my mouth to tell a joke. It’s like spiritual CrossFit but for your soul — except instead of squats, it’s punchlines.
I stood there with all that information thinking can I really do this? But the reality is I can do anything I put my mind to. So I made the decision I will do it and I know it will be so uncomfortable — but so is wearing stilettos at a church picnic. So if you are talking to me and I am not Throwing punchlines at you, call me out! Make me tell you a joke!
And yes, I actually told myself: if I can handle the wildest, most over-the-top things from my past, I can handle this. This is the day of confronting my traumas, the day where I start to receive healing from my past, and the day I learn to become who I really am — the person that I want to be, confident, classy, kind, loving, funny, joyous, and inspirational.
Join me as I walk my story out. It’s not going to be easy, but I hope this will also give you a little encouragement yourself that if you are going through something you are not alone. Let’s walk life together, encouraging each other one day at a time.
Don’t forget Jesus loves you! And so do I! Bye!